Trick or Treat!!!

He heard a thump thump and a scratch scratch and a tap tap. A wicked sounding little voice outside said, "Let me in!"
"No!" he shouted.
There was a pause.
"Let me in!" said the same voice again. The doorknob wiggled.
"No!" he yelled again.
The doorknob wiggled in the wood of the door, then the doorknob popped out of the hole with a grind and a clang. A strange eye, glittery and wet, peered in at him.
More horrid scratching at the door.
"Let me in!" said the voice, sounding deeper and louder.
"Never!" he cried.
The wood of the door began to dimple and buckle down the lower half of the door. He could see long fingernails. He moved to flee, but it was too late.
The door crumpled apart and a thing bounced into the room, knocking over the single electric lamp, creating a crazy cockeyed shadow.
"Trick or Treat!!!" the shape screamed.
Then it pulled off its head and waited for some candy.

Ghosts in the Park

I think there are ghosts in the park. One sits on a bench, a smudge in the shadows. Sometimes I even swear I have seen one standing upright, flickering pale & greenish. I walk on. Then I see that specter is only a playground light burning in the night. But this does not make me feel better -- I am still scared of ghosts in the park.

I Wanted to Piss Her Off

I wanted to piss her off, so one day I painted all her razors with rubber cement.

So I Wanted to Play Jokes on Chung Tzu

So I wanted to play jokes on Chung Tzu. I call him up at 1 AM.
"Hello, Chung Tzu? Are you awake?"
"Yes," says Chung Tzu. "And how are you?"
"Fine." I say.
I call him up at 2 AM.
"Hello, Chung Tzu? Are you awake?"
"Yes," says Chung Tzu. "And how are you?"
"Fine." I say.
I call him this way and get the same response at 3 AM and 4 AM. Chung Tzu is no fun, he is no tease.
Chung Tzu comes over that morning, bight and early for breakfast. I am very tired & hung-over. When I see him, I say, "Hello, Chung Tzu? Are you awake?"
"Yes," says Chung Tzu. "And how are you?"
"Fine." I say.

The Era of Telephone Ring Porno

Sometimes he would call up a friend not to talk to them, but just to make their phone ring. He liked the idea of the phone ringing at someone's house, particularly if he knew they were not at home. It was a sort of like telephone ring porno. He'd call up Francois, and he'd start Francois's phone ringing, and he'd put his phone on speaker and listen to the ring noise, and imagine Francois's phone musically warbling in an empty house for 10 - 20 minutes. He'd do this to all his friends. 10 minutes here, 15 there, 30 minutes occasionally. Then people noticed that the phone was busy when people were gone, and it shouldn't be busy. It was happening regularly, in a creepy pattern, as if the CIA or some conspiracy was occurring, but they never suspected it was ringtone porno. Then answering machines started to become commonplace, and as his friends gradually adopted them, he'd have to leave a message. One day, all his friends in Seattle had answering machines. An Era had ended.

Chung Tzu Hits Me With a Stick

Every time I get close to saying something to Chung Tzu, he hits me with a stick. Every time I don't think he's got the stick, and I'm going to say something, he hits me with it -- it is like a conjurer's trick. No stick. I open my mouth and then, "WACK!! WACK!!! WACK!!!!"

Falling Out of Bed, A Hotel Room in France

I.

Last night my daughter falls out of her bed. I am asleep yet I hear the *thunk* as she hits the floor. She cries a bit, I get her settled again. Then later, the cat falls off of our bed. Are you okay kitty? Ok. I get up and check to see if the kid is fine & won't be falling off the bed again. Ok. Ok. Back to oblivion. Ok. I'm fast asleep, dreaming about something bizarre -- like giant glowing slices of bread, and then I almost fall out of the bed. What the heck is happening to us?

II.

I keep waking up in the middle of the night thinking I am in a hotel room in France, and it is raining. Then, waking up more, I discover it is not raining -- but I still could be in a French hotel room. To fix this, I turn on the lights. I am surprised to be at home in the United States. Crazy, man. Crazy. I turn off the lights and go back to sleep. I dream of being in a hotel room, somewhere in France. It is raining.

Son He Said

"Son," he said, "You'll find life to be mostly horrifying. Absolutely horrifying in all the contrary things people do to each other, say to each other, think of each other. You'll also be appalled, shocked, and misled by the people you love most. You'll learn that nothing is sacred -- furthermore, every just law, or truth, or simple decency is violated with little or no feeling by masses of people who never wish to think over anything other than what they desire. And these people I am talking about, the majority, will surely assault you, or humiliate you, or abuse you, or kill you if you get in the way. They, these people, will say that is just, and right for them, but wrong for you if you reciprocate in any way. And if they can't touch you, they will still hate you and lock you out any way they can. Eventually, as a reward for your clearer comprehensions on the inequities of the world (coupled with direct experience), if you're not strong, you'll likely lose your faith and go raving mad and die penniless in the street, while the greatest Bastards and Rapers, and Molesters of the Holy will retire in style to Dubai, or Florida to wait for the End of the World.* But cheer up, don't despair! We'll have some laughs along the way!"

* The "End of the World" being the end of their own own minds, but they don't understand that.

Just Like the Song

I did say "Thank you" too many times, I did. I did. And I can't get away, now, it is too late. Remember how many times I'd say, "Thank you?" At first it was nice, someone seeming appreciative and normal -- but then it became repetitive and oppressive. And later it was pathetic. You realized that I had grown up without a certain amount of human kindness. You realized, like in the song, I was just looking for Shelter. And all of my appreciation makes me more of a Stranger. And when I talk like this, again, like in the song, you don't know what I'm after. And whenever I open up a map or timetable, just to go downtown or find a new bakery, bookstore, or restaurant, you automatically shudder.

Hey! It is King Philip III Day!!!

Did you know that today, in 1578, Philip III was born? Here is his portrait, which hangs in the Museo Taurino, Seville, Spain. He was king of Spain and Portugal from 1598 to 1621. Many historians don't know this, but Philip III prided himself for his ability to balance tables on his chin, and pry bottle caps off with his teeth. He also was fond of a game called "Baacebal", attributed by the renown baseball historian Walt Swisserson as being one of the precursors of American baseball. Because of this, if Philip III were alive today, he'd be playing shortstop. But very few people know this. So All Hail King Philip III!

Lamentable

Several lamentable things happen on the way to the funeral. We take a wrong turn with the corpse and get lost with 40 other slowly driving vehicles with the "FUNERAL" placards in their rear windows -- having to stop for directions at the strip-tease joint was decidedly undignified for the deceased, a monsignor in the diocese, who incidentally spent many enjoyable hours there, so when the dancers came out for one last appreciative dance, well.

Vonnegut

Vonnegut
a great writer is dead

I agree
and the rest of it

is Kurt
blah blah blah blah

but Kurt
knew it would be

that
way

In the Storm

In the storm, on the boat, we can blame ourselves. It won't help, but there is plenty of blame to go around. When it was calm and sunny, drunk & as a joke, I threw overboard the life preservers. And you said you had a map, and knew where we were going.

Best Freinds

They could be seen as elderly but still in good health, even fit. They are on vacation together. Years ago, they were married as typical husband and wife, but they divorced. The outcome of this was two fruitful and much more successful marriages with other life partners, relationships that culminated in several interesting & even talented children apiece, and even wealth.

The other result of the divorce, is that they became best friends. And now, to be able to take a trip together this way is a great comfort. The respective second husband, and second wife are now dead, and the children all grown up and starting their own families.

Love is still there, too. But they leave it alone, because it is softly delicate, and muted, not to be disturbed. Yes, it is like a very very old novel, an edition that cannot be replaced, a favorite read, yellowed and ready to crumble into nothingness if mishandled.

Wherever You Go

To make myself feel better, I imagine every place I go is merely an extension of my own living room. I close my eyes, breath deeply, and I see an image of the whole universe flowing out from my living room, so now anything that wasn't my living room is inseparable from it. Try it. For me, you reading this, is just another part of my living room. Imagine the universe flowing out from whatever room, or place, or time, that you are comfortable and secure in. Then wherever you go, you are there.

Said to Self

Talking to yourself is okay. Mumbling to yourself, okay. Yelling at yourself, arguing with yourself, or hitting yourself, not okay. Punching self, as I said, no. Punching = hitting. Jumping up and down, screaming to self, once or twice, yes, but no more. Singing to self showtunes, no. Singing "Whoops I Did It Again" never, under any circumstances. See "Banned Songs" post.