"Was that you lingering in my peripheral vison?" I ask Chung Tzu.

"Was that you lingering in my peripheral vison?" I ask Chung Tzu.

"Was that you trying to not be seen? Sulking about?" says Chung Tzu back. 

"I feel burned!"

"You are not fire, not of fire, around fire, in fire. But even with fire, or no fire, there is no burning. Look to the ashes."

I stop and I give him a sincere bow. Chung Tzu grunts in agreement.

---

New Years Eve

2024

getting things wrong

getting things wrong
but because of my errors
my sin
i have a chance to make it right 

*

of forever

god the sculptor
chipping away parts of stuff 

flaking bits of me too in the way 

of forever

(he keeps smiling at me

so i'm not scared)

A Kind of Whimsy, Too

 "It is funny how I keep trying to leave here, and just then something different will come up every time and stop me. It is like I am in a dream, or in a coma in a hospital but I don't know I am unconscious." I said and everyone there smiled at the way I said that -- how familiar that would feel & how it was also a bit of a dramatic statement, but it had a kind of whimsy, too. We all smiled, even the ones who had animal heads, and then I woke up. 

But He Hoped Not

He was up before the sun came up. 

At the car dealership, while he was waiting for the brake job to be done, he noticed a woman had little buckles on her shoes, or slippers. 

Someone answered a phone. The dealership would be closing at 2PM, because it was New Years Eve. 

He heard a car salesman in the other room talking to a prospective customer: 

SALESMAN

What kind of vehicle were you thinking about? 

CUSTOMER

Well, this would be for my girlfriend ...

SALESMAN

I see! What kind of car do you drive? 

CUSTOMER

A Nissan Altima.

SALESMAN

Nice. Blah blah blah blah blah. 

He couldn't see the people talking. He wondered if the girlfriend was there too, just quietly standing there while the two guys talked, but he hoped not. 

he said

he said 

you don't have to give up to give up

or to know to know 

possess or not possess

for the purpose to grow

then he laughed 

*

for disordered sake

i hear an owl
i hear the TV in the next room 
i hear the cars on pacific coast highway 
i hear our loud neighbors 

it all mixes together 

when i don't focus on it 

and on combining 

it makes sense

taken all separately

it all is so different 

it sure proves you can

have maximum disorder 

for disordered sake 

*

onto the next thing and worrying about getting there

last night i was taking the garbage out

and after i tossed it i forced myself to look at the stars

because i'm tired of just passing through everywhere i go 

onto the next thing and worrying about getting there 

*

i hoped everything was calm

i hoped everything was calm 

that the universe was serene

but i saw a photo of jupiter 

close up and it is a boiling crucible  

super massive clouds billowing 

with nowhere to go or get out of the way

if any life is there & if it could see out

the earth must seem so calm to them 

**

then angels work these and we tremble

often working with dream mechanics as i sleep
god the foreman directing repairs 
on parts of the universe producing 
rainbows of right and wrong good and bad 
though god knows best we will disagree
but in the end i follow what is suggested 
the stars fly out under the working on the line
places people and things like stars too
you can’t see it when you are awake 
but we are like a golden mist risen over fields 
then angels work below us and we tremble

**

people like us end up here

living by the ocean

in a little town 
much of it is unreal

but i know that cave sand 

is different than sea sand 

as the small and big cars

full of ideas go up and down

drivers laughing some yelling 

all of us compelled with 

wild kinds of longing

like waves hurled onto rocks

smashed but then swirling

falling back in disorder

but the retreat is temporary 

gathering for another rush

naturally trying again 

because water is water 

ocean is ocean and rock is rock

a great lunge and result

over and over again 

just because and it can 

people like us end up here 

----

crecent bay

12.30.24

most of my favorite writers didn't want what i think they wanted

 i promised myself i'd write 

"100 posts" this year and i wrote but only a few were posted

     there's a handy folder with NOTES

     written on it with a snow of scraps of paper inside

then i ride my unicycle on pacific coast highway 

and think about novels that could be written 

this writing becomes riding and people

become my short stories we both inhabit 

     when i ride against traffic and cut across a lane

     and almost get hit my fault that is a poem 

then i think about all the lies of perfection 

the hype of exceeding or breaking out like a fame comet 

all the problems that comes with it and how sometimes

i'd like to try it out anyways 

but i think getting riding more and more as my writing 

and seeing what happens 

most of my favorite writers didn't want what i think they wanted 

and if fame came along it seared them 

i promise to be better to myself / rather than to just think i should be thinking art

occasionally i catch myself looking in the mirror

as if in askance 

with something to say 

but i find there is nothing -- just a strange face

the moment collapses around itself 

almost like a soufflé

when i walk away i wonder if all that 

is really true 

i always have something moving around

turning and planning

but why the pauses and the sudden looks 

not even the scribbling of notes

it it like going to the ledge to take a picture

and having no film in the camera 

but doing this on purpose 

i promise to be better to myself 

rather than to just think i should be thinking art

or murdering delightful ideas by being blank

when i choose to look 

enjoying this beautiful forever/ which never started or stopped

enjoying this beautiful forever
which never started or stopped
like a flawless flower so big
it neither gets closer nor farther

and i can think i am in any part

from the pistil pollen stem or petals

or i am a fool a face or a galactic bee

or just all flower that will do this

---

Divers Cove

11.30.24

The Lord of Love/ made a Cosmic Tree

The Lord of Love

made a Cosmic Tree

Space are the Branches

& in Birdhouses are We

- for Phoebe Lee

(Linocut by Phoebe Lee Evans)

 

i pray honestly that we all get along

i pray honestly that we all get along

at this event

but by me praying 

am i making us all doomed

*

when i tuned 18

when i turned 18
i had a view of the world 

where everyone i met & knew

had their assigned place 

but now over time i see

we really are not set 

in any slot or role 

but we flow through pain 

we sail even higher

on joy 

but how did i see

between the two 

how did i find

what was really what

by asking looking 

making up my own mind

sometimes being lost 

but always moving up

and i do believe everything

i did well or wrong

added up for the best

because i am kind

and so are you 

----

for Daniel 

stained with sage and gold earth

i climb to the top of the hill under a perfect blue sky fill my pockets full of sage and a handful of fine yellow earth a place of uninterrupted bliss i know i can't collect or keep stained with sage and gold earth under sky and a bright sun what is the difference between ideals and the most elaborate dream both transcended by this natural perfection

---