Friday, April 21, 2006

Kid Doppler

When I was a little kid, sometimes I liked to make the sound of a police or ambulance siren far away, then getting so close it was like, parked in one of my eardrums. Eeeee-ooooo eeee-ooooo EEEEE-OOOOOOO eeeeee-ooooooooo EEEEEE-ooooooo EEEEE-OOOOOO EEEEEE-OOOOOOO EEEEE-OOOOO EEEE-OOOO EEE-OOO! EEE-OOO! EE-OO!! EE-OO!!! EE-OO!!!! That was fun -- it was like the car was far away and it got progressively closer, I definitely could simulate the Doppler effect. You should try it. Then if you can do the basic siren Doppler sound effect of a vehicle parking in your eardrum, try imitating the sound of a freight train passing by you at 75 mph one inch from your nose. O gee -- what would that sound like?

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Dream Poetry vs The Orange & White Cat

I wrote some fabulous poems in my dreams, just before I woke up. Fabulous. The poems were cryptic -- but interesting, short, and in a unusually spare style I have never used before. I can recall where the words were on the page, but not the words themselves. In the dream I was pleased the way they were working out. Then I opened my eyes, and the first thing I saw was an orange & white cat coming at me over the covers. The cat was running at about 45 mph, and he passed my head, strafing me with his tail. I heard him continue out of the bedroom, and he pounded down the hallway. Victory was his.

Monday, April 17, 2006

King Philip III of Spain

Did you know that today, in 1578, Philip III was born? He was king of Spain and Portugal from 1598 to 1621. Many historians don't know this, but Philip III prided himself for his ability to balance tables on his chin, and pry bottle caps off with his teeth. He also was fond of a game called "Baacebal", attributed by the renown baseball historian Walt Swisserson as being one of the precursors of American baseball. Because of this, if Philip III were alive today, he'd be playing shortstop. But very few people know this. So All Hail King Philip III!

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Watching a Glove Play on the Freeway

Diving to work this morning, I see glove playing on the freeway. It dances around the lanes quite happily, zigging and zagging, wiggling it's fingers to the speeding vehicles. It looks like it is having a fine time out there. Then a semi runs smack over it at 70 MPH, flinging the glove high into the air. But the glove appears undeterred by this. As I watch it soar towards the sun flapping and waving at us, I nearly drive off the road. I make my exit thinking, "You lucky, happy glove!"

Thursday, April 06, 2006

What I have Learned about Meetings

1. Meetings perpetuate meetings. This is because they have a life and culture of their own -- separate from the consideration as to whether they are effective or not. Secretly at the heart of it, meetings are a form of procrastination.
2. Thus, most meetings are a waste of time, because most meetings are not absolutely necessary.
3. Leading to the fact that the longer the meeting is, the bigger waste of time it is.
4. This is because (as mentioned before) meetings are inefficient, compounded with the fact that most people cannot speak and think constructively at the same time.
5. Because of this, you should reduce meetings, because they create contempt between people, and also result in confusion.
6. To force people to be concise, you should automatically reduce meeting times by 50%.
7. You should also forbid meetings that last more than two hours.
8. You should also try to have as few repeating meetings as possible.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Hello. Goodbye.

He thinks of a galaxy of funny and intriguing anecdotes while he is asleep, but he doesn't remember them when he wakes up. So today he writes down some of the lies he has told. I never cheat at Monopoly. I studied hard for the test. My car broke down. I had to stay home from work because my kid was sick. Who? What? I'm sorry I said that. I understand. Don't worry, it will be alright. Traffic was terrible. No, I am not angry. How? Ha ha ha ha, that was the funniest story I've ever heard! When? Where? I forgot. Thank you. You're welcome. Yes. No. I did. I didn't. That is not my bag. I love you. I don't love you. This is the best wine I have ever tasted. That was great food. It was a wonderful hotel. We had a good time. We had a terrible time. I'm okay. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. It was a surprise. I never saw it coming. She's gone. It's over. I'm not a liar. You are a liar. That is a lie. I never lied about that. Hello. Goodbye.