TEN ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL THINGS TO HAVE IN A GREAT NOVEL, IN ORDER OF IMPORTANCE

TEN ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL THINGS TO HAVE IN A GREAT NOVEL, IN ORDER OF IMPORTANCE*

1. A Pirate Map**
2. Some Cunning Illustrations***
3. A Villian ^
4. A Virtuous Virgin^^
5. Two or Three Unfortunate Events that cannot be Easily Solved
6. A Crime
7. "The Flight From Egypt"
8. A Jinx
9. Some Burlesque Horseplay
10. The One Day of Reckoning

OPTIONAL
11. All Chapters, or Sections, should have a synopsis of what will take place in any Chapter, or Section at the start of said Chapter of Section~

* I know what some of you are thinking, after reading this list, "Are you serious?" But these points are true. I am also assuming the writer will do the required character development and research into whatever period they intend to put the story in. I am assuming the writer knows how to write and knows what they are writing about.
** Preferably on the inside, before the TOC and any dedications
*** Should be curious pictures of devices, scenes, mystery writing, sigils, and above all, strategic moments in the plot
^ Like Darth Vader
^^ Don't like having a Virtuous Virgin in the story? Then why not write pulp fiction.

~ I don't know why this practice has fallen out of style. If anything, it forces the novelist to be clear

you are beveling my brain

you are beveling my brain
with your impatience
with your impatience
with your impatience
with your impatience

i wish i knew what/ the dog was thinking

two dirty
bums stand there
talking
waiting for the
dog to get up

he'll jump
right up and run
after
me if i go far enough
says one bum

c'mon! he yells
the dog lifts it's
head
as the guy walks
father away

he keeps walking
the dog doesn't
move
so the bum comes
back towards the dog

c'mon! the bum yells
the dog does not
move
i wish i knew what
the dog was thinking

confessions/ how things have changed

confessions
how things have changed

we are only
interested in zeus
if he owes us money or sells
luxury cars
for a living

we only care
about apollinare
if we can fuck him in a
dark bar
phone booth

at 4pm @ hollywood &
vine

Okay

Entering the restaurant, when I say, "One, I have no reservations.", the two hostesses laugh, rolling their eyes like this statement is an exquisitely pathetic joke. I can't figure out if this is laughable because I said I had no reservations, or that I am alone -- or both. Or they are casually mocking because I was polite. I feel like saying something like, "What the fuck is so funny?", but I shut up because I can't be too bothered. I sit down and I can feel the subtle, yet pulsing pick-up joint vibes -- I realize I am eating at a place that is supposed to be like a Dave & Buster's, but there are no video games like in Dave & Buster's, plus they've tried to add a shot of testosterone in the decor imagining how it must be to have this kind of a joint in the big OC, but we are far away in dim anonymous Oak Brook Terrace, IL. But what the hell, the hostesses act like it is real, so I go along with it and I order a gin & tonic, the drink comes extra strong and extra big to get chicks drunk and I'm okay.

Cartoon - My Haunted Bathroom

I never had a haunted bathroom, but I did know someone who had a haunted room. Specifically, the wallpaper in the room was haunted. How we determined the wallpaper was haunted, I can't fully explain, but it was so. In my time I have encountered other haunted objects, like an unabridged dictionary, a painting, and a stuffed toy doll. But back to the story: before my friend moved into this house, on Valencia Street in San Francisco, the previous roommate who lived in that room would not sleep in the room at night. This roommate would sleep in the bathroom, on one of the marble counter tops that was just big enough for her to curl up on. Due to the flat having one bathroom, the other people in the household got used to this, and would use the bathroom discreetly at night. I had a few interesting dreams while sleeping in the room with haunted wallpaper. In one dream, I imagined that there was a space in the ceiling immediately above my head, like a hollowed out bubble, about the size of a volleyball. In this space, I saw there was a miniature skeleton, like that of a baby, it was wearing a sombrero. It's bones were a ghastly nicotine yellow color, and when it realized I could see it, the skeleton grinned at me and manically danced, pumping its knees up and down like pistons and jiggling it's elbows in that cramped bubble in the ceiling. This was comical and terrifying at the same time, mostly terrifying while it was happening. I yelled and woke up. CM Evans Cartoons

Phoebe's Poem About School

School is out
I feel a breeze

From the branches
Of the trees

And when school is in again
I will have fun until....

The End

the going home poem

stories

i'll tell you a story
that has two endings

one ending is a happy ending
the other ending is a sad ending

you tell me which one
is best suited for the story

then i'll throw both of them out
and write a new story

where the end is at the beginning
the beginning is at the end

and the middle is sprinkled
throughout the whole length

but a final story will be about the journey
the branch of a cherry tree takes

as it grows from a twig in 1977
until it is at least 5 inches in diameter

and how this branch with its fine blossoms
is admired by a bird on that fine day

with a blue sky and a trembling wind
hinting of the coming spring

and with not much concern is/is not
lopped off for a fire