Historians write about history from their educated historical perspective. You can't blame them for wanting to clean history up a bit, to make it more important and serious. Otherwise people might start thinking that history is a sham, or a series of bizarre accidents, or historical persons were as nutty as we are today. To help clear things up, here are some less-known, historical facts about Johannes Kepler, with the books/ documents they appear in:
1. Johannes Kepler was voted "Most Likely to Succeed" by his high school class. See 'De Revolutionibus Orbium Coelestium', by Nicolaus Copernicus, pages 123- 24.
2. Johannes Kepler hated yarn and macrame. See 'Meine Ausgezeichnete Astronomie Buch' by Tycho Brahe, page 22 and Chapters 3, 6, and 9.
3. Johannes Kepler cheated at monopoly, and was a jerk when he got caught, spilling the whole board and ruining the game for everyone else. See 'Cyclopaedia: or, An Universal Dictionary of Arts and Sciences', complied by Ephraim Chambers, vol 3, pages 304 & 405.
4. Johannes Kepler sometimes bragged he made Tycho Brahe knock over a telescope, so Johannes could catch it before it hit the ground, thus making Tycho look like an ass in front of Nicolaus Copernicus when they were hanging out. See 'De Falsa Volume Incredibilis Rerum', vol 11, pages 33 - 44 and vol 12, pages 4 & 8, by Pope Lucas Watzenrode the Younger.
5. Johannes Kepler was a vampire, from Mars, and he did wrestle robot-George Washington for 2 years under the Potomac River, and he did make Superman's mother pregnant on Krypton, and Johannes Kepler was Moses, and Johannes Kepler personally built 1. The Statue of Liberty, 2. The Empire State building, and 3. Ellis Island* -- but Johannes Kepler was not able to be a daywalking vampire. Because daywalking vampires do not exist.
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* And J. K. invented the languages English, Spanish, German, Italian, Greek , Milwaukeian and Las Vegan
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