do you put on a brave face and pretend it does not ever hurt
i know all the reasons why it makes no sense to be hurt
to not feel let down
how you can't expect anything from anybody

just like watching the outside world
how could we be sad because the field was dappled in shade at noon
or it would thunder on the leaves
when it did storm did we know it so and our heart was crying

making long lists and getting all done
tucking shushing striving and pushing through the days as they rise and fall
befuddled what it means
not admitting this to anyone as a sign of weakness

being innoffensive
being kind to others
being devoted
praying constantly

eventually i am tired of my own thoughts
every single one of them they took me nowhere
so tonight i abandon myself
and i hope to not be so tight in the morning

i'll see the new light and not think of the face i wanted to see
i'll be easy and have no thinking about self or others
anything that happens
will be absolutely pristine


**