i've been thinking about / my life now ... a poem that took 27 years to write

... ..... me at 23:

i've been thinking about
my life now and
wondering if it is
worth living --
not thinking of suicide
but just thinking on
the alternatives one has
besides suicide

what can i do/ or could do
to change the changes

i wish i could think
about my life seriously
like it was some precious
mineral
or think about my life
considering it
like one might contemplate
something holy

i don't mind to say
that great holiness is
not a thing i see as
all important to a good life
holiness has
always framed up external
barriers bridges and
avenues

i can see them but
i know they are
not for me -- i am
not for them
yet we get along alright

i could have overlooked
something dangerous
that will be popping up
out of the smoke
i'm not immune nor fixated
on pain
and at the same time
i don't want to say
that i ate slept and
breathed myself into
a coffin

 ... .... me continuing at 50:

i believe
we should live well
specially
in being happy
and tell others how we did it
and if they want
do what we did
and it is good for them
then that is
the whole point

-----

for latif harris
for robert funge
for lama tharchin
for dudjom rinpoche
for my own father

some of my own notes
written in about 1990
found in a book
about Jack Kerouac
"Jack's Book"
two days after my father died