Poem - this beautiful day

this beautiful day
with no targets in mind
to praise or blame or explain
this happiness on

------

Raffiniert ist der Herrgott, aber boshaft ist er nicht.

  Einstein

 
irvine
6.29.12

Poem - Listening to Danny Whistle

before he goes to summer daycamp
on a perfect summer morning
i hear my son in the other room whistling
a kind of tune one makes when
you have your whole life ahead of you
and you don't mind whatever happens
because you know in your bones
it will be good

i like to hear
that kind of whistling

Poem - but never say it is like a razors edge

if i do not feel compassion for the people who hurt me
then when i give compassion to those i love
the entire blessing is half-realized

this is the inescapable path i must negotiate
but never say it is like a razors edge

Going to the Next Town

In Oak Park, Wallace had not been on a "hot date" for over 15 years. In anticipation of one, for even longer. What did he do?

He looked out the window for hours, and then watered the grass with half his face shaved. He saw he forgot the other side of his face when he was dusting a mirror, now uncrooked and lookable. Wallace almost started a letter to his brother, Hank, who liked hearing from Wallace about the weather. ...just the weather, nothing psychological. No need getting personal with your own brother, his brother said, living in Montana, gay. Wallace felt like playing with the squirrels, but they wouldn't let him get close. They only wanted nuts. Wallace ran to the store and got a bag of nuts.

When he got home, he saw he was almost out of time, and he forgot the bag of nuts on the porch, so the squirrels got fed, anyways. Shower done, suit on, down the block to the Bijou with time to spare. But as he got closer and closer, he began to have second thoughts, then third thoughts.

Wallace turned around and started home.

You're a goddamn coward, he thought to himself, as he slowly powerlessly walked the wrong way, watching the scenery go backwards as it shouldn't. He was almost home, walking stiffly and slowly, afraid people were staring at him, when a small yellow car pulled up. Lois was in it, and she rolled down the window, pretended it was the most usual thing in the world, her date being in the wrong place, even headed home.

"Hey Wallace!" Lois said. She smiled and crinkled her eyes.

"Hey Lois." said Wallace.

"I think the movie started. But we can go the next town over, to the Cineplex. They'll have it there, too."

"OK." said Wallace, and got in.

Poem - i see i must go inside/ and find the treasure there

in your absence
i see me

i see how i hate my own company
i see how i reject solitude

now for the first time
in my life i do not turn away from this

nor do i embrace it
instead i wait until it becomes clear

i understand that you
have nothing to do with this ache

this ache that drove me
into the arms of women

it existed before i knew
any women

i see that i must go inside
and find the treasure there

a gift i had all along
yet never had the courage to uncover

solitude gives me the time
to decode the identity of the thinker

and see there is no separateness
i am not alone in solitude

because i discover a presence
that is the source of all happiness

free of cause and condtions
free of demands and ultimatums

free of you
free of me

still here
just more
loving to all

and funny
to find this
in the end

without
trying

Poem - i have no/ regret

i.

i see i see
we are twins

we are versions of the
same 

all of the faults i see
are mine too

i cannot be angry with you
because i do love myself

you are a mirror
i see myself in

i do not like
some things i see

see how selfish
these testaments are

   you are a mirror
   i see myself in

   i do not like
   some things i see

ii.

i decided to love you
even if you won't be here

i decided to love you
even if i will never see you again

i decided to love you
like i want to love myself

i will always be
and you will be here in my heart

i have no
regret

Chung Tzu Does Not Look Up

"I see that wanting the Love of Another will not fix my Problems, because I have no Problems to fix. And the only Problem I would have, would be wanting a Love outside of me, to fix anything inside me." I say.

"That's good." says Chung Tzu, barely looking up. "You make very little sense, at all."

"Is that good?"

"Yes. Hopefully your brain will collapse now, and become like a deep stinking pile of shit in the sunshine, mixed with straw and dirt."

"I think it is happening right now. But shit doesn't talk, does it?"

Chung Tzu smiles, and does not look up.


-------

Quail Meadow
Irvine
6.19.12

Poem - can anyone

i  laugh
at how
horrible it is

can anyone
ORDER
someone
to love them?

idiocy
insanity
futility

i resort to
fuck the trees
fuck the sky
fuck off birds
fuck you

i laugh again
i back up

i unfuck
the sky
the birds
the trees
you

but i'm
leaving marks

i'm creating
useless patterns

i play lover
i become hater
and switch back
& forth

like a clown
like a joke

Poem - Really? You do?

i imagine all one love
then i image nothing
i can't help myself

but i always end up
in the big love camp --
who wants to believe
in nothing?

really? you do?

to me it is like
wanting to eat
cold old leftovers
that taste shitty cold

when you could
warm them up

Poem - i figure on painting my whole life brightly/ with this mind

i figure on painting my whole life brightly
with this mind

no dark corners no dullness in texture
you can do it too

whenever one needs a lift
give yourself some good thoughts

i see that there's no limit to the good
i can think up

Chung Tzu and TIE

I write this poem:

-   -  -
-  X  - 
-   -  -

"Nice poem!" yells Chung Tzu, through the window.

0  -  -
-  X  -
-   -  -

"You think so?" I reply, out the window. I can't see where he is.

0  X  -
-   X  -
-   -  -

"Yeah!" he yells.

0  X  -
-   X  -
-   0  -

"Are you joking?" I yell. I still can't see him.

0  X  -
-   X  -
X   0  -

"Yeah!" he yells.

0  X  0
-   X  -
X   0  -

"Are you telling me you're kidding?" I yell. I still can't see him. 

0  X   0
-   X  X
X   0  -

"No!" he yells.

0   X  0
0   X  X
X   0  -

"Then what are you saying?" I yell, looking for him and almost falling out the window.


0   X  0
0   X  X
X   0  X

"TIE!!!" yells Chung Tzu, and hits me in the eye with an old apple.

Poem - But This Too Shall Pass

i mourn for you
i have long conversations as if you were here
i promise myself i will not hold on

but i find myself 
in long conversations with you
promising to not hold on

i look away
i look at a bird wheeling high in the sky
i hear a truck  i burn

i am grieving me
my selfishness by vanity and i smile

i am making excuses
and lying about inventing them

i am untrue
full of self

but this too   shall pass

Poem - of this/ we will/ find/ truth

i see her
i hear her

trying hurting
looking

ask 'what to do?'
or 'how?'

in the answer
or non-answer

of this
we will

find
truth


------

For Rachel

Poem - About as Long as it Takes

she tried to hurt me
by leaving 'she's not there' on my voicemail
but i ended up
with the who's 'pinball wizard' lodged firmly
in my skull

because sometimes it feels like she stayed around
about as long as it takes
to lose a pinball game

it hurts about as long as it takes i guess


--------

6.11.12
Irvine

Poem - Wishes

i had three wishes

i wished for you to return
you were here 24 hours and left again
this time for good

i have two wishes

i want to wish the geni to hell
but he'd stay only for 24 hours
and come right back

so make the geni stay
and i play 'only the lonely'
all night long

Poem - 3:30 PM

I was joking in the past 3:30 PM was a magic time
and for that one minute per day
if you believed it
miracles would come true
all you had to do was wish a wish
on the dot of 3:30 PM

Saddleback Mountain is Very Big and Beautiful

I'm hurting in my heart, so I go visit Chung Tzu.

Lao Tzu is there, too.

"It is over." I say.

Lao Tzu smiles. I don't feel so bad.

"Well, that is what it seems to you. That's good!" says Chung Tzu, "When you feel something is over, come in, leave the door like it is, and sit down."

I sit down and look out the window. I can see Saddleback Mountain, shimmering in the heat. I don't know if the door is open or closed.

Saddleback Mountain is very big and beautiful.

------

Irvine
5.30.2012

I'll Remember a Little Bit

When we were together, I had a dream about you every night. In these dreams we talked, sitting under an arbor by a mountain, or with pyramids in the distance. Sometimes the Universe gave me suggestions on how to live the next day with you. When you left, it was so sudden -- the dreams continued, but now they are trailing off. Today I find it hard to remember what I was dreaming when you were here -- these experiences were as intricate as being with you. A part of me has gone. Several realities destroyed. I'll remember a little bit:  What the dream arbor by the mountain looked like, and how tall the pyramids were, and far away.

Poem - bad game

bad game
thinking

every phone call i get
not you

every text message i get
not you

while you
are in

every song

every tv show

every poem

Poem - A Dream Come & Gone

thinking does not fix broken thinking
an ache does not heal a broken heart

what is is what is
i take a wisp of your leftover hair

i let it go
and the wind takes it

you float gently away
a dream come & gone

---

for rachel
5.23.12