CM Evans @ Apexart & McSweeney's - April 2008

Big news! I've been invited by Dave Eggers to be a participant in a cartoon show at apexart in New York in April. The title of the show is "Lots of Things like This", and will feature 100 cartoons from blockbusting talents like Saul Steinberg, R. Crumb, William Steig, Ralph Steadman, Shel Silverstein, David Shrigley, Nedko Solakov...keerist the list goes on. There will even be work by Alasdair Gray, one of my favorite writers & illustrator. Topping it all off (if it could be topped off), McSweeney's will be publishing an edition that will be a companion to the show. My work will be in that publication too. I am frankly, totally amazed this is happening. Up to this point, I haven't been invited to be in anything, anywhere. If you love art, cartooning, or satire, you won't want to miss this installation. Opening is on April 2, from 6 - 8 PM. The show runs April 2 - May 10. If you make it out on April 2, I'll see you there!

James Bond's Gun

Though not technically crazy, he ruins the action movie for himself by trying to imagine what the world sounds like to James Bond's gun, if the gun could hear. Most of the time he thinks, the world would sound muffled. But when James Bond drives the tank through the wall, he thinks, wow, the gun would have definitely heard that!

My Turn Now

Do I write, do I draw, no. Do I write? No. Do I draw? No. Am I in 1975? No. Do I have a red suitcase, with a red suitcase inside the red suitcase? No. Is there a note inside the red suitcase, in the red suitcase? No.

What color is the stove? What color is the color blue? Is blue red? Is green white? Do all straight lines curve? Does everything that rises, converge? Is God the color of water? Did it rain last night? Was that evening purple, like soda bubbles?

Where is Small? Small is a cute bug. Small was small. Where did Small go? It is my turn to look for Small. I will find Small. When I see Small, I'll say, "Hello, Small!" Small will smile at me. Small will wave & I will wave back.

What I Want & What I Will Do

- I want to be as fox-crazy as Tom Cruise. Yeah, that crazy. Then I'd be able to scale tall buildings, playing the star spangled banner on a comb with a piece of wax paper, while turning all the water in the city of Chicago into peppermint schnapps.

- I will be known as "The Man in the Iron Mask", even though I have never worn, nor ever will possess an iron mask of any kind. I will be feared as this persona throughout the continental United States of America, and also especially in Australia, because of my maskless exploits.

- I will be held in high esteem while wearing a pope-like paper hat made from a shopping bag. Drawn on the front of the hat will be a cute kitty cat, but it won't appear to be silly in any way while on my noggen.

- Likewise, I will appear in public wearing a paper suit, with attractive shoes made of cardboard. I will move with the poise of Fred Astaire, virtually sipping Napoleon Brandy in my wild wild ways. Often in this getup, I'll do a quiet little dance in the mystery section of the Oak Park Public Library, 3rd floor, by the Swedish Detective Fiction. Hear me roar!

- Finally, I will convert my toaster oven into a time machine, in which I will be able to squeeze into, by using long forgotten techniques of Feudalistic Magic. After transporting myself to 5 million AD, I will battle the Morlocks and vanquish them, to found a new civilization where every citizen is a genius, and their children will write numerous ground-breaking novels about Tricopia, my favorite imaginary land of bountiful colors.

The die has been cast!

Via Wikipedia - Random Wikipedia Articles

Today I decided to play with the "Random article" button on Wikipedia. Here are a few things I found out:

Virgos Merlot -- "Signs of a Vacant Soul" was the group's first, and only album. I thought Virgos Merlot would turn out to be an artist from Europe, but this is an American hard rock band from Birmingham, Alabama.

Yinggarda -- is an Australian Aboriginal Language, of tribes living on the central western coast of Western Australia.

Anomoeanism -- A 4th century sect of Christian Arians, following the opinion of Aerius, that believed Jesus Christ was totally different, in nature, compared to God. The sect kept going after Aerius confessed to the Church that his opinions were wrong.

Riddickart -- Mark Riddick scares me. He makes me good 'n scared.

List of UK Prime Ministers -- Who doesn't need to know who all the Prime Ministers were for the United Kingdom, going back to 1721? And their party affiliation. Well, here they are in a handy graphical display...every name there also clickable to a separate Wikipedia article so you can find your favorite PM. Wow, that Walpole guy, and that William Pitt dude were Prime Ministers, like, forever!

Now you have something to talk about when you go home tonight. :-)

Game - Crayon Physics Deluxe

You should go check out Crayon Physics Deluxe, by Jim Merithew. This has got to be one of the most intriguing & interesting game concepts I have seen in a long time. Reminds me of my reaction to how revolutionary the Wii is...because most "innovation" in technology and "game concepts" are boring repetitious engaging of older worn out concepts. Then through the mediocrity comes something beguiling, simple, and totally captivating. And this little game just won the Independent Game Festival's grand prize of $200,000.00. Way to go, Jim!

Tomorrow It Will Snow

Tomorrow it will snow, and I look forward to that. I've been told we've had a terrible winter, this year. This being my first winter in the Midwest, I have found it to be oddly beguiling. My only complaint is dealing with ice, once it gets started, it is hard to clean up. But who can complain about snow, twirling falling flakes of quiet snow? A heavy falling blanket of snow, erasing details, falling over houses and streets? You go to sleep on a bitterly cold black night, with the naked tree branches swaying & scraping -- and in the morning, by breakfast time, the entire city has been muted in an expanse of white. The world has less of an edge, boundaries erased, and still the fine particles of snow fall less some, more so. Then the people come out to damn the snow. Everyone, except me.

The Battle of the Nile

This morning, Chung Tzu, Horatio Nelson, and I are sitting in a cafe. It is clear, sunny, and cold. Ching Tzu orders a latte, 1st Viscount Nelson orders a doubel-shot of espresso, and I have a cappuccino. We're used to one another, so neither Ching Tzu, nor the Vice-Admiral say anything about me ordering a cappuccino.

"Did I tell you about Brueys?" says Baron Nelson out of the blue, while doodling in a napkin.

"The French Admiral? At the Battle of the Nile?" says I, trying not to be burned by my drink.

"Some call it the Battle of Aboukir Bay." mentioned Chung Tzu.

"A trifle detail, but an important one, yes." says Captain Nelson, brightening, and looking at Chung Tzu with his good eye.

"Yes, you beat him, and his fleet." I reply. Ching Tzu and Nelson don't hear me.

"Captain Thomas Foley displayed initiative, slipped through the gap in the line and a few others followed. So you could attack on both sides." mentions Chung Tzu, as if talking about clouds.

"And it was bonnie well done!" exclaims Nelson, bouncing up and down. With his face shining like that, and him so pleased, we didn't say anymore about the Battle of the Nile. Everybody likes to be around Horatio Nelson, especially when he's happy.

Via Mangle - Ugly Random Web Pages

So today I decided to go back to Mangle and check out random personal webpages. I haven't done this in years, I used to do random sampling all the time, to try and come up with interesting links. But now I remember why I stopped random sampling. Yeeech! The number of crappy webpages out there is beyond belief! Here are a few of them:

Vishal03 -- You're killing my eyeballs with the green textured background that looks like a blizzard of puke. Yes, from the picture, I can imagine you're having a raging time with your pals.

Bocefuss! All I can say is, wow, I hope you get the site constructed, any change is better than what's up there now. Actually, now that I look at it, it is kind of like Zen meeting Taoism.

jmr08860 -- Ahhhhhhh! A ROOSTER PAGE!! No, it is not "KOOL". My brain slid off it's chassis when I saw the blue and green stripes.

Heartland/3682 -- I wasn't going to rip on the Barker Family, and I'm still not going to rip on the Barker Family. But when the music started playing, I wanted to rip on the Barker Family.

Palms/9420 -- I like your site. Simple. Completely broken. I could stare at it all day.

Vienna/1591 -- Starting out with, "This page will never be completed. It experiences what one would call a continuum of existence..." suckers me into hanging out 5 minutes longer than I normally would in your sucky, angst-ridden, narcissistic webpage extravaganza. Keep up the good work!

That's all for now. I hope you enjoyed this post as much as I did.

if you really/ do it

darling i'll
love you
madly
absolutely
if i love you
at all

which is bad
i know
very bad to love
this way
experience shows

i'd write more
& try to put
the obligatory
twist at the end
of the poem

but love is
a bitch of a
proposition

never simple
or safe

if you really
do it

vatchel

vatchel lindsay
lindsay lindsay
you were a liar
and a drunkard
and above all
a poet

people paid
to watch you
in theaters your
higher vaudville
as you called it
BOOM BOOM
BOOM

treking across
the wastes
of middle america
with no money
paying with spoken
words

and then after
hitting your zenith
years of slowly
going down down
a star like lucifer
now just a tin plated
phony

america dumbed
further and further
by the depression
you grappled
with children and
family debts

vatchel lindsay
on one afternoon
drank lysol
"those bastards wanted
to get me --
but i got them first!"

but i will always
remember you
by that one photograph
arm out head back
hips cocked
wracked in
poetic ecstasy

vatchel lindsay
i could be
like that

vatchel lindsay
lindsay lindsay
i have been
like that

Chung Tzu & I vs The Librarian

I see Chung Tzu in the "quiet reading" section of the Oak Park Library.
"Hello, Chopped Stick!" he says.
"Hello, Dirty Old Man!" I reply.
"Shhhhhhhhhhh!" says the Librarian.

We wait until the Librarian is gone.
"So what's news?" asks Chung Tzu.
"It's raining. There's water in my garage. I can't stop the water from getting in." I reply.
"There's garage in your water." says Chung Tzu, thinking this statement is very funny.

I look to see if the Librarian can hear us.
"I can't get everything done, at my house. There's too much to do." I say.
"There's a dirty sock on your stairs." admits Chung Tzu.
We wait a bit, as the Librarian walks by.

"Hey, Dumbass!" says Chung Tzu, this time loudly.
"Hey, what, Shitwit!" says I, as the Librarian calls Security.
"I wouldn't want to be a Librarian in a world with us in it." says Chung Tzu, standing up.
"I know what you mean." I say, as we get going.

Being Here

In the morning, Chung Tzu comes into the house, unannounced, of course. He finds me in the kitchen.
"What are you doing?" asks Chung Tzu.
"I am upset." I reply.
"Don't be upset." says Chung Tzu, and he leaves.

Later, at noon, Chung Tzu comes into the house, unannounced, as always. He finds me in the basement office.
"What are you doing?" asks Chung Tzu.
"I am thinking." I reply.
"Don't think" says Chung Tzu, and he leaves.

Chung Tzu returns at sunset. I am back in the kitchen, by the stove.
"What are you doing?" asks Chung Tzu.
"Being a goat." I reply.
Chung Tzu this time smiles, and he leaves.

Late at night, I am in the kitchen again. It is quiet, everyone else is sleeping. Chung Tzu quietly lets himself into the house.
"What are you doing?" whispers Chung Tzu to me, as if we are forming a conspiracy.
"I am being here!" I whisper back, handing him a cup of tea.
"Good!" he whispers back.

One Morning, Not So Long Ago

One morning, not so long ago, I was walking though the woods. To my surprise, I saw a young man at a fork in the path, standing on a dunghill. He was wearing a sharp looking business suit, and looked very out of place.
"Hello." I said to the young man.
"Good morning!" he exclaimed.
"What are you doing here in the middle of the woods, dressed in a business suit?" I asked (because I couldn't help wanting to know).
"Oh!" the young man said "Well, I am glad you asked! I am trying to be the most Important Person on this dunghill!"
"Gracious!" was my reply.
"Yes. Yes. I made my plans, chose my action, and here I am DOING it." He took in the wide blue sky, the bare trees, everything around him. He was greatly satisfied. Then he looked at me. "Do you have any suggestions, or advice so that I may achieve my goal more swiftly and efficiently?"
I though about it for a moment. "Know your limitations." I said.

Historical Facts - William Tell's Practice Shot

I was sad today to find out that William Tell had a few kids, besides his eldest son, Walter. He was so scared at shooting Walt in the noggin, he practiced on Hundertwasser first, and missed. I guess he felt so bad about this shooting accident, in 1354, W.T. died while trying to save a child from drowning in the Schachenbach, an alpine river in Uri. His favorite crossbow, Wolfenstein, is now in Das Wichtige Historische Supermuseum der Völker die Crossbows Schossen und Kampieren Mögen, in the little hamlet of Schnell, by the 14th century Schloss Nein-Ausgang. God rest his troubled soul.

Music - Easy Star All-Stars - Dub Side of the Moon

Needed some music to kick me up to the next level. So I got out "Dub Side of the Moon", by Easy Star, and playing it loud, it rocks...takes me back to the past & forward to the future. Imagine Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" redone into brain-busting reggae, no-holds barred & you got it. Very few CDs I've purchased over the last few years have such a place in my mind -- in terms of creating raw astonishment, and listening pleasure.

We Demolished the Wrong Building

We demolished the wrong building. Okay, I'll say it again, we demolished the wrong building. It wasn't 3342 Barnham Way, it was 3324 Barnham Way. That aside, the job was a snap. But the problem is, we demolished the wrong building. And it was a church. You can't fire me, we're partners. You said you wanted to run the office, and I'd go out and do the jobs.

Poem - i want to mope

i want to mope

i want to mope
but the kids are up

i can't brood until
they go to bed

one kid works
on her homework

the other has a bottle
& walks all over the house

dripping dots of formula
shrieking room to room

so i drink cup after cup of tea
smoke cigarettes

standing by the stove vent
set on the highest setting

i watch it snow in
a nocturnal backyard

then i think of chung tzu
& all his great advice

are you thinking too much?
then don't think!

are you wanting something?
then don't want it!

i pick up my son i tell him
"you look tired!" he laughs

so i laugh

homework doing daughter
laughs too

Poem - with the heart of a child

by chance today
i look in the mirror

i realize i look like
a dangerous madman

hair all wild
eyes piercing

how is this possible
with the heart of a child?

Dear Diary

February 11, 2008
21:33

Dear Diary,

Today we attached the 14 ton science lab module to the International Space Station. It was technically very challenging, but we did it. No pressure, I mean, it only cost 2 billion dollars. And right at the end, some nameless breathless idiot in Mission Control goes, "BEAUTIFUL JOB!" into Leopold's ear, so he almost crushes the brushings.

So, later we all got high on some hash brownies. You can't even faintly imagine how fantastic the Earth looks from space, when you're stoned. Even Schlegel felt better, and said Africa talked to him. NASA will never know.