J. Pants Helps Me Get Over Things/ Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris/ Haircut

"It hurts dreadfully sometimes." I confess to J. Pants.

"It hurts dreadfully sometimes." mimics J. pants "Boo-hoo."

"What would Chuck Norris do?"

"What? Kick a hole in the wall, I guess."

"Sounds like Chuck Norris."

"Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris. You, my friend, are an idiot."

"So what should I do to get over this?"

"Stop being a fucking pussy."

"Ha ha."

"I mean it. Goddamn miracle boy."


***

I go out and get a haircut. When I get back, J. Pants is still in the apartment.

"Nice haircut." says J. Pants.

"Thanks."

"You know what your fucking problem is? I know now."

"What?"

"You have too much spare time on your hands."

"Is that it?"

"Yes and no."

"I'll work on it."

"GHA HA HA HA HA!" laughs J. Pants.

Me and J. Pants - or - Y.F.R.Y.D.

J. Pants comes in and sits down. He cocks his hat back and plops his boots on the top of the table.

"I've been reading your fucking blog. Jesus H-Christ! You've been writing a lot of depressing shit!" he says.

"I'll try better." I reply.

J. Pants looks at the ceiling, pulls at his red suspenders, and purses his lips.

"I don't fucking believe you." he says.

"Why not?" I ask him, innocently.

"You sorry bastard! You like what you've been doing!"

"The lousy writing?"

"Yeah...lousy writing, lousy goddamn lifestyle -- too! It is like a drunk who gets off on being a fucking drunk AND THEN THEY WRITE DRUNK MONOLOGUES ABOUT BEING A FUCKING DRUNK!"

"I did that once." I admit.

"YOU'RE FUCKING RIGHT YOU DID!" says J. Pants.

Poem - No Bottom or Top

i look for a lost beer billboard
like another looks for a lost flower
on a city skyline
the color of cement

tonight like last night
the big dipper will rise over my balcony
bigger than the entire city
with no bottom or top

Poem - At First

there is no negotiation with what is
therefore anything other than acceptance is a joke

the good news about this
is you can learn from what is

and be scrubbed clean of
stultifying yearning

at first you may be cold
but later you know you will feel warm

Too Good to Pass Up

I'm going about my business, and I read online that some condemned and notorious criminals from the 17th, and 18th centuries would get executed and have people make books out of their skin. In many cases, small books, for whatever reason. Some of these editions are on display in museums around the world. I guess they would be, somewhere. That kind of story and object of interest is too good to pass up, if you are running a museum.

Poem - A Double Whammy

financial jaws get tighter
after the breakup

when we are down to nothing
god is up to something they say

but oh me oh my a broken heart
and a broken pocketbook!