I did something important today, and when I had gotten it done, I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders, and a twinge or remorse. Realization came to me: I have a certain amount of immaturity, even in my mid forties. It keeps me from doing things, sometime important things. It has also caused me conflict and heartache. I can clearly see where it originates from, and it has to do with the way I grew up -- but my parents can't be blamed for it. It has to do with certain attitudes I chose to adopt, and forgot. I feel bad, in a way, I imagine it has been frustrating for my parents to see me making certain mistakes. My mom and dad are excellent parents. They gave me and my sister everything they could. The good news is, I have never appreciated my parents more. I love them more and more, the more I comprehend what they did for us. I'm terribly lucky. Or very lucky. I can see some of the things I kept hidden or denied from myself, and now I can actually do something about them -- or even act differently. Certain flaws of character. My life is like a river, and it is connected from one end to the other. But ultimately there is no end, or start.
The last miracle is to be able look at myself, see where I seem to be falling short, and not be angry with myself -- or with others. This has been coming to me as well. It takes some spiritual work to get there. It comes from being less selfish towards myself and others.