How to Dress Like a Tourist in Europe

You are an American, and you are going off for your first trip to Europe. You have some vague ideas on what this trip will be like, you'll have to go see the Effile Tower (sic), and the big art museum nearby in Paris Town. You've wanted to do that since 9th grade. Also, stop by jolly old England, home of the Brits, and go to the other Tower, this one of London where they chopped off peoples heads. Rome is in the running too, the Pope lives there.

But the main thing you worry about is, how to dress like a proper tourist. The kind of tourist that can get around savvier and faster than the locals, under their "cultural radar". You want to be dressed, so when it is time to strike & get that deal for a hotel room or a platter of pommes frites, you'll not get snagged on something or be laughingly turned away. To help you, here are some suggestions:

1. Wearing blue jeans is a must. In fact, don't bring anything but blue jeans. Bring some new ones, bring some old ones -- if you get in a jam, everybody knows you can sell them for hundreds of Euros a pair -- those damn Europeans are crazy about American blue jeans.

2. Nobody in their right mind would go to Europe and not wear white sneakers. Due to Europe's arcane and antiquated transport systems, and the fact that many Europeans have never learned to drive a damn car, because the roads are too small -- you know you'll be hoofing it all over the place. You've studied many travel shows and seen how much walking is done in Europe. Sensibly, white sneakers, the whiter and fatter the better, are the obvious choice. Bring two pairs.

3. If you forget a fanny pack, you might as well curl up in Heathrow and die. You're going to need all your money and important irreplaceable documents on you at all times, for easy access to conduct business and clinching a deal that may come up with rude or unsuspecting foreigners. Without this fanny pack, you won't be able to hustle your way in and out of those tight situations. Wear it right in front, and don't worry, it doesn't make you look silly, because you have a purpose here.

4. The weather in England is pissy and rainy. In France, the weather is pissy, rainy, sunny, and full of the French. The sun in Italy is harsh and unavoidable. You'll want to make sure you bring a baseball cap, the kind with webbing in the back to keep the back of your head cool, but with foam fabric in the front, to shield you from bird droppings & staring locals, because face it, Europe is full of pigeons and gawkers. If you feel sassy and proud, have a big American Flag patch on the front of it. That'll show them you're serious and not afraid of what those people from the EU think.

5. Have lots of maps and travel books. Carry at least two maps and a travel book with you at all times. For perspective, one map should be of a country you have been in, or are going to next. Thinking strategically, the other map should probably be of the last city you were in, or the next city you'll be going to. There is a lot of information to absorb, and you may need to consult from your travel book at any time to glean the obscure cultural references that are going on all around you. Mark places that you think will be key with little post-it stickers. The locals expect to pull some fast ones on you, taking advantage of your lack of travel experience, and the fact you haven't bothered to understand anything about their day-to-day lives, or learn the rudiments of their language beyond hello and another kind of hello, but that is what being a tourist is all about. You can read the travel books and maps for the first time while flying on the plane, a few hours before you land. Then the knowledge these materials impart will be fresh in your mind.

6. Either wear a sweatshirt two sizes too big, for comfort, or a nylon windbreaker. Better bring both, because sometimes it snows in Europe, at any time. Logo or information on the sweatshirt could be a swanky victorious American flag, unfurled and blowing impressively. Barring that, sport logos, like the Chicago Bears will make you friends or mollify hostility because everybody loves the Chicago Bears. Have a Disneyland sweatshirt as a backup. A Seattle's Space Needle sweatshirt will show you are culturally adept, or at least show you know how to drink good coffee.

7. Though not technically an article of clothing, a camcorder is going to have to be on you at all times, at least in public. Use the device more, not less, and be sure to narrate loudly to the microphone exactly what you are seeing and exactly where you are, so you won't be confused when you watch it later in your living room at home with the extended family. Don't worry too much if this seems to be irritating people who live in Europe, they know their whole economy runs on tourism, and they couldn't get a decent living without travelers like you.

8. BACKUP: If all goes wrong, and you can't make headway, bring a Canadian maple-leaf pin and some Canadian flag patches. Though this feels dishonorable, and you are betraying your nation by having these & displaying them, the Canadian pin or patch could be your ace in the hole. Of course, when you open your mouth, everyone will know you aren't Canadian -- keep mum and your eyes on the prize, and you should be able to get though a rough spot.

9. MISCELLANEA: Here are some optional things you can bring that you may find pleasing for your trip.

- A sun visor, the kind that has no cap on it so your hair sticks out the top. The deeper the visor, the better.

- The biggest, blackest sunglasses you can dig up. To shield your eyes from the glare of the sky on all that marble & stone ruins.

- A second camcorder! In case their first one gets damaged on the plane, train, or cab by jostling persons who have no concept of personal space.

- Lots of sunscreen, lip balm, and extra make-up -- because you know at some point you'll mess up packing and you'll have your stuff confiscated.

- A few bottles of American bottled water. You might want to ration this and see if you can make it last for as long as possible, until your tummy gets used to the water over there.

- For the above reason, and if you are sensitive and haven't eaten food in places other than your home town, you might want to consider bringing a Cosco sized Pepto-Bismol too! Better safe than sorry!

Good luck and have a memorable trip!