Kid Doppler

When I was a little kid, sometimes I liked to make the sound of a police or ambulance siren far away, then getting so close it was like, parked in one of my eardrums. Eeeee-ooooo eeee-ooooo EEEEE-OOOOOOO eeeeee-ooooooooo EEEEEE-ooooooo EEEEE-OOOOOO EEEEEE-OOOOOOO EEEEE-OOOOO EEEE-OOOO EEE-OOO! EEE-OOO! EE-OO!! EE-OO!!! EE-OO!!!! That was fun -- it was like the car was far away and it got progressively closer, I definitely could simulate the Doppler effect. You should try it. Then if you can do the basic siren Doppler sound effect of a vehicle parking in your eardrum, try imitating the sound of a freight train passing by you at 75 mph one inch from your nose. O gee -- what would that sound like?

Dream Poetry vs The Orange & White Cat

I wrote some fabulous poems in my dreams, just before I woke up. Fabulous. The poems were cryptic -- but interesting, short, and in a unusually spare style I have never used before. I can recall where the words were on the page, but not the words themselves. In the dream I was pleased the way they were working out. Then I opened my eyes, and the first thing I saw was an orange & white cat coming at me over the covers. The cat was running at about 45 mph, and he passed my head, strafing me with his tail. I heard him continue out of the bedroom, and he pounded down the hallway. Victory was his.

King Philip III of Spain

Did you know that today, in 1578, Philip III was born? He was king of Spain and Portugal from 1598 to 1621. Many historians don't know this, but Philip III prided himself for his ability to balance tables on his chin, and pry bottle caps off with his teeth. He also was fond of a game called "Baacebal", attributed by the renown baseball historian Walt Swisserson as being one of the precursors of American baseball. Because of this, if Philip III were alive today, he'd be playing shortstop. But very few people know this. So All Hail King Philip III!

Watching a Glove Play on the Freeway

Diving to work this morning, I see glove playing on the freeway. It dances around the lanes quite happily, zigging and zagging, wiggling it's fingers to the speeding vehicles. It looks like it is having a fine time out there. Then a semi runs smack over it at 70 MPH, flinging the glove high into the air. But the glove appears undeterred by this. As I watch it soar towards the sun flapping and waving at us, I nearly drive off the road. I make my exit thinking, "You lucky, happy glove!"

What I have Learned about Meetings

1. Meetings perpetuate meetings. This is because they have a life and culture of their own -- separate from the consideration as to whether they are effective or not. Secretly at the heart of it, meetings are a form of procrastination.
2. Thus, most meetings are a waste of time, because most meetings are not absolutely necessary.
3. Leading to the fact that the longer the meeting is, the bigger waste of time it is.
4. This is because (as mentioned before) meetings are inefficient, compounded with the fact that most people cannot speak and think constructively at the same time.
5. Because of this, you should reduce meetings, because they create contempt between people, and also result in confusion.
6. To force people to be concise, you should automatically reduce meeting times by 50%.
7. You should also forbid meetings that last more than two hours.
8. You should also try to have as few repeating meetings as possible.

Hello. Goodbye.

He thinks of a galaxy of funny and intriguing anecdotes while he is asleep, but he doesn't remember them when he wakes up. So today he writes down some of the lies he has told. I never cheat at Monopoly. I studied hard for the test. My car broke down. I had to stay home from work because my kid was sick. Who? What? I'm sorry I said that. I understand. Don't worry, it will be alright. Traffic was terrible. No, I am not angry. How? Ha ha ha ha, that was the funniest story I've ever heard! When? Where? I forgot. Thank you. You're welcome. Yes. No. I did. I didn't. That is not my bag. I love you. I don't love you. This is the best wine I have ever tasted. That was great food. It was a wonderful hotel. We had a good time. We had a terrible time. I'm okay. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. It was a surprise. I never saw it coming. She's gone. It's over. I'm not a liar. You are a liar. That is a lie. I never lied about that. Hello. Goodbye.

An Open Letter to Mr. Yee, Dream Villain

An Open Letter to Mr. Yee, Whoever You Are: Please stop bothering me in my dreams, Mr. Yee. Haranguing me can come to no good -- you've been arrested now by the cops in the vingette last night, and what good did it do you? Give up your spooky shop of bizarre action-figures & fire those punks with the water pistols. If you're nice, I will dream you anything you'd like. What would you do with your own country, for instance? Think about it, before it is too late.

Oldest, Bestest Friend in the Whole World

Here are some things I said about you in the meeting that are not true, and I am deeply sorry I said these things about you when you were late to the important meeting & they asked me why you were late: 1. I had to bail you out of jail with the corporate card over the weekend. 2. You were in jail this weekend because you got drunk and went berserk and burned down a funeral home. 3. Before you got drunk and attacked the funeral home, you took mushrooms and you decided to eat a road flair. 4. Then you danced while you fed your clothes through a wood chipper. Luckily, none of these things are true. But there was a fire at a funeral home this weekend, having nothing to do with you, so unfortunately this pretty much seated the notion of all of it being true no matter what was said afterwards. It was funny at first, you have to admit, but then it got ugly and we lost the account. Why be angry at me? I am your oldest, bestest friend in the whole world.

i have a mantra

when bad things happen
i have a mantra
it goes

oh fuck
shit me
goddamn

we

we walk on water
we raise the dead
we forgive the sinners who
do not deserve to be forgiven

we carve out the darkenss
we raise the fires
we burn the damned
in everlasting flames

every day a bomb explodes
we don't know why
you press on the accelerator
the clock says 4 5 6 o'clock

boom
someone dies

we've reached the holy land
we wrote the book
we guided the unknowing
and made them observe and pray

we raised the towers
we strung the wire
beat and starved the helpless
scatted their ashes

every day a new life begins
we don't know why
air in the newborn lungs
blood rushes

cry
the baby cries

A Note

I came across this today. Sometimes I feel like this picture neatly sums up the secret to how life really is.

Happy Birthday WS

William Shatner, astonishing actor, born on this day in Montreal, Canada in 1931. Besides that one far-out T.V. show in the late 1960s that a few of us remember, he's starred in such unforgettable movies as "Star Trek: The Movie", "Kingdom of the Spiders", "Big Bad Mama", "The Devil's Rain", "Comanche Blanco" and "The Outrage". Who will ever forget WS in his series of historic, gripping performances as Ranger Bob on Howdy Doody in 1954? When will he put out another one of those crazy albums of song and poetry to Middle Earth and Bilbo Baggins? No -- that was L Nemoy. I get them mixed up when it comes to the wacky singing stuff. But here's to you -- the incomparable, irrepressible, sweaty-browed, shirt-torn-off-chest-in-your-prime William Shatner!

A Question

So I get this skanky burrito and I'm eating it & I look at the wrapper. Here's the pic. All I want to know is this: is that a gaucho with a hat, or this a gaucho with a funkywild huge fro?

Sick Cat

I don't mean to be trivial, or boring, or even stupidly obvious -- but when a pet gets seriously ill, it can be hideously expensive. I never thought about pet health insurance, but now I wish we had some. 800 dollars so far for a bunch of tests and overnight stay at the pet hospital, for observation. This morning they say they see an elevated white blood cell count, indicating infection. And now more tests today. They still don't know what is wrong with the cat. What can you do?

10 Ways to Piss People off in Foreign Countries

Note: Many travel savvy people here in the USA assume that we're hated by most people in different countries, and that while traveling, the inhabitants will naturally go out of their way to ruin your trip. This is false. To have bad experiences abroad, you have to be diligent & work hard every day to get people to be at their maximum unhelpfulness. In most situations, genuine hostility cannot be procured on the spot, but with enough time and interaction, it can be sampled overflowing in every corner of the world you decide to travel to. Here is a quick list on some ways to get the juices flowing:

1. Put a camcorder around your neck, hold a map in your hand, and walk slowly while gawking at strangers in the street.
2. Keep a loud running monologue of everything that you see, and how it is different.
3. Enter a shop, and greet the person behind the counter with a loud melodic "Bonjuuuuurrr!" then laugh on how hilarious you are. Jovially find fault with products offered for sale, saying a few of them look disgusting. Really really disgusting.
4. In a subway, ask for detailed directions while standing next to a giant subway map, with a map in your hand of the subway system.
5. Complain wherever you are staying that there isn't enough hot water for you to take an hour-and-a-half long shower.
6. Insist people to give you times in AM/PM rather than the normal 24 hours. Also, refuse to learn how to tell time in 24-hour increments.
7. Get impatient with the waiter for the bill. Ask if the tip is included. If the tip is not included, say it should be, but you can't believe how expensive it is for what you ordered. Tip 1 Euro.
8. Comment constantly on all the bathrooms you've seen. Scream if you see a squat toilet.
9. Recoil from people who smell funny. Act like they have the plague.
10. Misplace small worthless items, and accuse staff-people of stealing from you because you're an American.

Long Golden Hair in the Goldeny Sunshine

He sleeps on the lawn with his long golden hair in the goldeny sunshine, and a happy dog takes this as a suggestion and stops for a moment to urinate on his head. The man leaps up when he realizes what is happening, and the dog grabs his hat as it comes off his head. He fruitlessly chases the dog & hat around the quad, around the shimmering trees of oak, over the hill towards the library. Then all is silent and sunshiny again.

The Church Sign Generator

I was digging through my links today, and I found this one. The Church Sign Generator. It reminded me of how I missed a great photo op about 2 years ago. A church was doing some extensive renovations, and one day they put up a sign that said "CARPENTER WANTED - ENQUIRE WITHIN". That sign stayed up for a month, and I never took a damn picture of it even though I'd laugh myself silly each day I drove past it. I kick myself for not getting that shot.

Interview #3

C: Why do you have us sleep so much? Why did you design us to sleep at all?
G: Sleeping is fun!
C: Seriously.
G: Sleeping is fun!
C: Seriously, I'm not kidding. Why?
G: Dreaming is fun?
C: C'mon.
G: What?
C: You wanted us to spend half our lives laying around unconscious to creation, dreaming and thinking we are awake?
G: Now that you put it that way -- yeah!!
C: So we were designed to spend the majority of our time completely deluded.
G: Yeah!!
C: You agree with what I just said?
G: You have a great way for summing up things.
C: I don't think that was a complement.

If I do a bang up job

One day, by accident, I become elected as President of the United States. How does this happen? It is such a long story of seemingly unconnected vignettes(and even outright contrary events) in how this comes to pass, it hardly makes any sense, so I won't even get into it. Or I can't get into it. I think I may get in trouble if I get into it, to be perfectly honest. Suffice to say again, in a different way, it was purely by chance. Or was it? Many other worthy men and women offered to be elected President of the United States. But these things have a way of happening (or turning out) in the funniest way, I must say. I have to say something because I am the President of the United States. And they want me to give a speech here and sign this and that. I get to hear advice and go to meetings. The press tells terrible lies about me, or they just write terrible things (can you believe some people pay other people to do that all day)--- things that would make your Mom cry if you were President of the United States of America -- leader of the Free World and the most Powerful Man in the World, if you catch my drift. I hope you do. I have other hopes, lots of hopes. Like, I hope to get a second term too, I think. If I do a bang up job on the first term.

Cigarette Smoking

"The number of cigarettes sold in the United States in 2005 fell to the lowest level in 55 years..."

Mmmmm. News like this makes me want to go out a smoke a whole damn pack. I quit about 6 months ago. Too bad smoking cigarettes is bad for your health.