Oldest, Bestest Friend in the Whole World

Here are some things I said about you in the meeting that are not true, and I am deeply sorry I said these things about you when you were late to the important meeting & they asked me why you were late: 1. I had to bail you out of jail with the corporate card over the weekend. 2. You were in jail this weekend because you got drunk and went berserk and burned down a funeral home. 3. Before you got drunk and attacked the funeral home, you took mushrooms and you decided to eat a road flair. 4. Then you danced while you fed your clothes through a wood chipper. Luckily, none of these things are true. But there was a fire at a funeral home this weekend, having nothing to do with you, so unfortunately this pretty much seated the notion of all of it being true no matter what was said afterwards. It was funny at first, you have to admit, but then it got ugly and we lost the account. Why be angry at me? I am your oldest, bestest friend in the whole world.